The opposite of samsara

Samsara is associated with suffering, or dukkha. It's a part of life. Avoiding it is futile. Dwelling in it, creating it: optional. The opposite of samsara is when the walls we've built crumble, our cozy cocoon disintegrates, and we are open to the magic of "whatever." We step into it, naked, vulnerable, like a child.

I so love the symbolism of child's pose in yoga. We step onto the mat, take child's pose, becoming open to whatever comes our way, feeling playful, letting it be the first time we've stepped onto the mat, a new, fresh, surprising experience every single time. Child-like, we have no judgment, no expectations, no competition, no fears. We get out of ours heads and into the miraculous.

I am a warrior goddess. My journey is uncertain, unknown, and exactly taking shape as it should.

WAHE GURU WAHE GURU WAHE GURU WAHE JIO

Strength From Within

So many people, especially women, ask me how I have been so strong or compliment me on being so strong in the face of the challenges of the last year and 3 months and ask me to please share my "secrets." Well, I don't have any "secrets." It's my divine purpose to share my experiences and knowledge to hopefully propel others from the depths of darkness into the light that's actually already within them but just a little cloud-covered!

Pssst, it's all in the thoughts. I can either tell myself negative things, keep repeating my story of misery and pain, over and over, or I can tell myself I'm amazing, I'm blessed, I'm beautiful inside and out, have so much to give, and keep opening my heart to all the goodness and love this world is sending me. Yes, negative thoughts (ego) find their way into my consciousness, but I don't have to believe them. I don't have to give them energy to build. I notice them and say, "Hmm, that's interesting, but I'm coming back to breath, coming back to what I KNOW is true."

Life is magical, amazing, powerful. It's that simple.

Heaven and Hell

A big, burly samurai comes to a Zen master and says, "Tell me the nature of heaven and hell." The Zen master looks him in the face and says, "Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you? A worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything?"

Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword and raises it to cut off the master's head.

The Zen master says, "That's hell."

Instantly, the samurai understands that he has just created his own hell - black and hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger, and resentment. He sees that he was so deep in hell that he was ready to kill someone. Tears fill his eyes as he puts his palms together to bow in gratitude for this insight.

The Zen master says, "That's heaven."

The Goddess of Wisdom

"In youth we learn; in age we understand."~Marie Von Ebner-Eshenbach

Yes, I'm finally starting to "get it," this amazing school called Life, with its many lessons, if only for the awakened. Lately I've had this surreal sense of peace and understanding of the bigger picture, the universal consciousness. I now understand what is meant by being the witness. I can sit longer in silence, internal and external; my compassion and unconditional love is expanding; my ability to take it as it comes, without my input, is blossoming; I'm softening to what is. The Buddhists speak of egolessness. I definitely am not there, nor will I probably ever be, but I've glimpsed a tiny slice of what I think it means, and it's beautiful.

Through yoga and meditation, I'm learning to acknowledge my thoughts, without judgment or obsession, and then come back to just being here! Sigh...

Mother Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within yourself. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Comfortable With Uncertainty

That's the title of a book by one of my favorite teachers, Pema Chodron, which I find myself immersed in. Now if I can just get comfortable with uncertainty! She tells me over and over again to remember it's a process, be gentle with myself, I'm beauty unfolding, I'm the lotus. (I've decided to get a lotus tatooted on my body...somewhere private, just for me.)

My divorce, after 11 years of marriage, was final last Monday, down slammed the gavel, chink-chink went the "official," certified stamp on the stacks of paper, all within 25 minutes! So strange, isn't it? Yes, there were tears (only shed by me, of course), yes, there's still some lingering anger at the lies and betrayal, but not so much so anymore as to hold me back. But there lingers that fear of the great unknown. I suppose someone going through divorce isn't alone in fear of the future. That's why I cut myself some slack for these feelings and just notice them instead of wallow in them.

Bodhichitta is defined as that jewel buried deep within us, our truth, our open heart. Pema says that although absolute bodhichitta is our natural state, we are intimidated by its unconditional openness. Our heart feels so vulnerable and tender that we fabricate walls to protect it. It takes work just to see the walls and a gentle approach to dismantling them. The key is to keep opening our hearts to suffering without shutting down.

Pema and Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche call all the situations in our lives, even the most mundane, "vehicles for awakening." And I'm in the driver's seat.

My Beautiful Lily

My daughter Lily is such a perfectly balanced little girl in so many ways. She loves hanging out with boys (yang), riding bikes, running hard and racing them. She loves getting dirty, digging for worms (she can't understand why her mom won't touch them), and playing with trucks.

Then there's the yin side of Lily. She loves baby dolls, is very nurturing, loves to wear jewelry and look pretty, and create masterpieces.

She's very sensitive, respectful, grateful, and quite spiritual. She got into a conversation with my mom, trying to convince her she should pray to the Buddha on my front porch!!

The flower name lily is a symbol of innocence and purity as well as beauty. Additionally, the lily symbolizes vulnerability and the freedom to be ourselves, as well as allowing others to be as they are too. What a perfect description of my treasured daughter.

She reminds me to be childlike. It’s not just about happiness and innocence either — being more childlike also helps us to be more creative, more imaginative, more innovative and open to worlds of possibilities. She lives in the present. There are no limits to her imagination. She's endlessly curious. She sees the world with new eyes. Every moment is a gift. What will we do with it? I'll hunt Lily down now (out playing with the neighbor twin boys) and thank her.

Blogging

Why do I blog? This is a question I have been asked before. I sat down and thought about it a bit recently.

To me it's just like journaling. Taking a look at what makes Juli tick, shining a light on the dark spaces instead of hiding them away, pretending they don't exist or will somehow disappear; highlighting and reminding myself of the goodness as well. It's a record for my daughter Lily of what her mother is actually like, her struggles, her triumphs, her craziness, her stability.

And if just one person is touched or somehow comforted or inspired by my words, then my blogging is a success!!

"Here is my soul. It's all I've got. It might not be much but it keeps me together."~Puddle of Mudd

Presence

"Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?"~Sarah McLachlan

Yes, by being in the present moment, fully, deeply, soulfully, uninhibited.

"Independence" Day

I had a serious meltdown last week...my mom was visiting, helping me out with my daughter so I could get work done, exercise for my sanity, and be prepared for my yoga teacher training test-out. She's an incredible woman. She loves me with no strings attached. No, not all moms possess this quality! So thankfully she rubbed my shoulders as I screamed and cried and threw my tantrum. I'm sure it took her back, well, a gazillion years to my youth.

See, I'm a totally independent woman now. I'm a single mom, I found my own place to live, moved all my belongings, work 3 jobs, bought a new car, fix minor repairs, etc., etc. Last week my otherwise reliable car didn't start twice, I'm working double-time and have been in teacher training for 8 weeks, waking at all hours of the night and early morning teaching classes!! See, I was used to relying on another human being to help me through this sort of stuff. I had been for 11 years. Gone...Done...Over...Step up, Juli. And step up I have. But without an occasional tantrum (I also threw my car keys while in my car and have a nice spider crack in my windshield! Sweet!), how would I still convince myself I'm human? How would I continue to move forward? Simply put: I WOULDN'T.

I'm proud of myself. My daughter, my mom, and all my friends, male and female, are proud of me...and love me despite my occasional blowup! Wow, I think I CAN do this!

"I recently ran across a story about a Native American tribal leader describing his own inner struggles. He said, 'There are two dogs inside me. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time.' Someone asked him which dog usually wins. After a moment's reflection, he answered, 'The one I feed the most.'~Rabbi Harold S. Kushner

What an honor...I am a yoga teacher!

I first seriously came to practice yoga to heal; heal my wounds from a marriage ending; heal my broken heart; silence my chita vritis, or monkey mind; discover my inner beauty. I've fallen in love with my yoga practice, the ancient history behind yoga, the way my body feels (balanced and strong), the yoga sutras, the chakras, the vulnerability, my sangha, or yoga community, and the list goes on. I've been a teacher in the form of a coach and private trainer for years. Therefore the hunger in me to share the gift of yoga and discovery with others was only natural. As I feel my love of self growing and blossoming, I can freely demonstrate love to my students, basking in their yoga glow.

In a previous post I mentioned being present at the unfolding of my future students' discovery of their true, divine self. I can't imagine a more pure, profound gift to give this world. It's my own small part in the beautification of this wounded universe of souls.

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow! Grow!'"~The Talmud